The thing about meditation

You know, I’ve been practicing 15 mins breathing meditation for a few months now. I’ve been rather irregular with my practice the past week, and didn’t manage to do it daily. This month, I’ve particularly felt that my meditation practice seems to be going down south. I feel that each time I make 2 steps forward, 1 step retreats automatically. My mind is so hard to control, thoughts just come and go as they please. There were probably about 2-3 times which I’ve experienced deep sadness while meditating and tears would just flow uncontrollably down my cheeks. But I just let them flow. Strangely I do feel better after that, way much more peaceful than when I didn’t meditate while crying. My emotions got richer too I think. Maybe that’s not the right way to express it, but I think I’m trying to say I am more tender-hearted.

Just an example: I just saw a video clip of Giovanca, the female singer, teaching a group of girl students (probably in Sierra Leone) sing a line or 2. I was so touched by that scene, and wished I could hug all the little girls.

Part of meditation practice is also learning how to be gentle with oneself. Simply embrace your experiences moment by moment, without judgement. That is what I am still learning. So if the thoughts come into my mind, I’ll just let it come, and see it fade away like a piece of cloud.

I need to remember this:

Gentleness is the spiritual warrior’s most powerful weapon.

The re-appearance of the Ex

Still here. I always had a peaceful, uneventful life, I think. But for the past few weeks, the re-appearance of an ex added new lessons in my life.

This was someone who ghosted on me 9 years ago. Once, I saw him online and I said hi, but he disappeared. I asked him about that and he said he honestly don’t remember. I said it’s OK, maybe you were not ready to talk.

Last week, one evening after dinner, I came back to my computer and saw that someone had left me a online message while I was away. It was him (M). So we chatted online casually for a while before we talked on Skype. For some strange reason, it didn’t feel awkward. We chatted and reminisced about the happy times for a bit.

Then I picked up the courage to apologize for any hurt that I may have caused him in the past. I saw it as the perfect opportunity to make peace with the past, say sorry and let things go. That is why I had no fear when it came to putting myself out there and saying sorry first. I told him I never intended to hurt him in anyway and I am sorry if I ever made you upset. I have held onto these words for 9 years. 9 years of things, things that I wanted to say, and finally I was able to tell this person. I felt so so happy for myself. I am thankful for whoever up there, who made this opportunity possible. Truly. I think M was a little surprised. His reaction was he don’t remember what happened in the past. He usually forget things quickly.

In a way, I felt that I had grown and matured through this experience.

We talked 2 more times casually over the next 2 weeks and honestly I do not know where this is heading.

One thing I know for sure- I no longer loved him the way I used to in the past. We had a great connection in the past, and I am grateful for all the fond memories that we had, but that alone doesn’t mean that we would be a good match for each other now. That was the clarity I had.

I think the next lesson for me is to express this clearly, yet in a gentle way. But I’m no longer going to be the one who initiates contact with him. I’m over that.