I don’t really have an idea of a blog title for this. One year has passed, and since the end of a few dates with the guy with childhood trauma, today I felt heartbroken again.
Sean was an acquaintance I knew 10 years ago. Our lives can be best described as a “mis-connect”. When I went to Vancouver, we met once. Back then he was in a relationship, but we met up for coffee as friends, since I traveled so far and it was a rare chance to meet. After that, we kept in touch over emails for a while and then lost touch for years. In 2008, we somehow found each other on Facebook. We went on with our own lives. Earlier this year, he started chatting with me on Facebook. He just gotten out of a long term relationship. His ex-fiancé asked him to move out. We started talking again. This time it was learning about each other all over again.
I feel that I am an expert in building emotional bond or connection with someone over the Internet, provided the flow of energy was there when we chat. We both felt something. I asked that we try to make plans to meet. He was actually seriously thinking to come visit me.
And then before I know it, the ex-fiancé reappears and suggests to revisit the relationship with him. He was confused but ultimately decided to give her another chance.
As I type this, it becomes clear to me. Many things become clear to me. But I’m still feeling like a train wreck. One moment I feel very strong and calm, and then the next moment I feel so sad and heartbroken. Acknowledging these emotions (I know) is the first step to getting over it.
I console myself by saying that “Not getting the things I want may be a blessing in disguise.”
I want to believe that.
One of the most valuable lesson I have learnt in our short period of interaction was “allowing myself to be vulnerable”. I shared many of my deepest secrets with him. Because I felt comfortable with him, I shared many thoughts with him. It was the first time I shared in such depth. I learned that it made me feel free. I was willing to “tear off my layers and show him my scars”. It felt wonderful to be able to show my authentic self in front of someone. Likewise, he said I was the only person he could share his deepest thoughts with.
Because of this wonderful experience, I feel so attached to this person. I am fearful that I would never be able to replicate and make that emotional connection with someone else again. Please tell me I am wrong.
I know I am wrong. I believe that I can re-create those closeness with someone else again, just because it had been made possible. I think this is really my biggest lesson.
As always, one of the common learning themes that keep repeating itself is “unconditional love”. I know I don’t love him, it’s just infatuation, attraction and of course attachment. You can’t love a person until you see how they react when they don’t get what they want. But my meaning of “unconditional love” here means, I want him to be happy and not possessing him . Even though he made a decision that does not include me in it, I wish him all the happiness and hope he finds love and peace in that.
I’m thankful to him. Sometimes people come into our lives for a brief short moment to teach us a thing and then they leave…
This week has been hard for me emotionally. I have been obsessed with the thoughts of us and now with handling this piece of news of his decision. I know it will take me some time to get over it, I don’t know how long that will take. Maybe this is the catalyst to make me return to my meditation practice which I have been slacking.