Re-appearance of John

It’s funny how I talked about nothing seem to be really happening in my life lately. Just when I’m mentally tied up with preparations for my upcoming big trip, John called me out of the blue 2 days ago. This is after he disappeared without a word 2 years ago. I thought he may have dialed wrongly.

He said hi and asked if I remembered him from 2 years ago. He said he had always remembered our conversations and had always wanted to call to find out how I was but felt like he didn’t want to disturb me. He said he had some major changes in his life (some work changes, moving to a new apartment, and selling off his car). He asked if he can invite me out for coffee.

I agreed since I was going to be out to run some errands in that area, plus I felt maybe I could get some answers or closure to whatever happened back then.

He didn’t change in appearance when we met. But of course, I’ve changed. My hair has grown longer. I STILL wore my jeans because I have nothing to proof. We went into Chilis for coffee. After we ordered drinks, he gave an update about this life.

He talked about how the “move” to his new place was part of the cleansing for him. And how his new work initiated the new transformation. He had to let go of things and can’t control outcomes like what he used to because it didn’t work. I just listened intently, as usual. I’ve learnt to just listen. Words are what the person desires to be, but actions define them, so I prefer to look at actions and ignore what they say.

He spoke about his aggressiveness in the past and how that hurt his relationships. He talked about how he has soften his approach, and that he has become kinder and more compassionate. Again, things that…I probably don’t have the chance to see or witness if that is true.

Time changes everything. As we sat opposite each other, things, situations and feelings have changed. I’m no longer intimidated by his presence. Could it be because I know my self worth and have more confidence? He could be so much older than me, but it doesn’t mean he is always right. At certain times, I felt my shoulders stiffened, but when I am consciously aware that my shoulders are tensed, I quickly relaxed them and that in turn helped me to relax.

He also said that the book “The Power of Now” came at the right time in his life. He meditates to phrases in the book, but I didn’t ask how he meditated.

He asked some questions about me, but not much. I can’t help but interpret it as a lack of genuine interest and curiosity about me as a person. And I’m someone who doesn’t offer stories or information unless I’m being asked (especially in a dating context), because I don’t know if the person even wants to hear my stories or not. The best question that he asked me was “What makes you happy”. That was the only most thoughtful question.

He said he no longer uses online dating because it became a mindless activity whereby you just keep searching for new people and going on dates with no longevity in sight.

I am not sure how I phrased the question but I asked why did he contact me. Besides the fact that he remembered that he used to enjoy our conversations, he said he currently has a lull period where he has more free time. Thanks for telling me that – but I couldn’t help but think that he would pull another disappearing act once things start to get busy!

He invited me to go over to this new apartment to see his new place. I was hesitant, because I knew what to expect…but I was curious about the view and did not have any intention to sleep with him.

We talked standing at the window ledge. The view was beautiful in a way, but there was some major renovation works downstairs, so the drilling was distracting. But perhaps that distraction was good. I asked him what happened the last time we met? Why did we stop talking. (I wanted to hear his point of view)

He paused and took some time to think. He said that he thinks it was because he was focused on his deals after that and it just took his time and energy away. I didn’t believe it, but accepted his answer anyway. It doesn’t mean I buy into it, but I learnt to accept answers, whatever people say. Though, my memory was probably better than his. But I didn’t have to break or burst his bubble…why should I? He never apologized for disappearing.

He asked for a hug, I said a hug is fine. The vibe that I got from that hug was, this man was trying so hard to find a re-connection, to bring back old feelings. But things have certainly changed.

He also asked an odd question. He asked if we have kissed before. I said yes. He doesn’t recall. I told him I’m not offended. (Because I don’t give a damn). It also said a lot. I was insignificant. When he tried to advance our intimacy, I said no. He asked why. I told him that “You can’t just breeze in and out of someone’s life and expect things to be the same”.

He seemed a little offended by that – from the tone of his voice. I said the same thing 2 times and he seemed a little offended. But I didn’t care, that was the truth.

It was certainly a one sided thing. He “felt” something, but I don’t. I didn’t respond to what he said about he feeling the reconnection. I think he knew I was not feeling the same.

I walked away from this experience with my clothes, confidence, dignity in tact.  I learnt to say no to sexual advances. I am thankful that he is gentleman enough to not force upon me. That, I’m grateful for.

I also walked away from this meeting knowing that we were both on different spiritual planes. Actually we had always been. But I was just in such a poor state of mind back then to recognize signs.

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Updates

I’ve been missing for a long time. So much has happened, and yet it seems nothing has really changed, or “progressed”. Isn’t it strange?

But here’s a update of what has happened.

-The guy who has been smiling at me while we jogged past each other for 2 -3 years finally had the courage to talk to me. Sometimes, some things are best to leave it as it is, because the good impression bubble bursts once conversation starts. I wrote about how it started here. I’ll write more in depth, as it is blog worthy.

-I found out that my ex has gotten married recently. I found that out when I was on facebook. On and off he kept in contact with me, but he never mentioned that he was married to me. This is also blog worthy, so I may dedicate a post to him.

-I’m going to visit friends in Seattle and Vancouver next month. Sean and I will meet, after 10 years. I’m excited, grateful for this opportunity to meet him after so long. Such a rare thing in this time and age.

I’ve got nothing to prove to anyone

“You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” ~ Maya Angelou

This is my favorite phrase lately…So grounding, yet so impactful once you really digested it. The only other person that I hear it from lately is Sean. And when I heard that, I felt that we were on the same spiritual plane.

Does this relevation of “I’ve got nothing to prove to anyone” only happens when an individual has enough suffering that finally brings an awakening? Because, only a truly awakened being would be able to feel that sentence deeply enough to finally understand that each walks their own path.

As I grow wiser and has time to reflect on life, I feel more relaxed being myself.

Lately I met with a supplier and with strangers, I always hide my real occupation as I did not want to answer stupid questions. This was the first time that I did not hide my real occupation. I also did not hide the fact that I worked from home. But I wished people asked more “why” questions. Because it is the “why” questions that would allow the person to tell you their stories deep within.

I hate questions like, “Are you a full timer or part timer”?

When you think deeper into this question, what are you really trying to ask? If the person is competent and executes a high level of proficiency in that particular trade, does it matter if she was a full timer or part timer? So, what are you really trying to ask here?

I hate questions like “How much money can you make from doing this?”

So, what are you really trying to ask here? Are you trying to determine if the pay is high enough for your standards before considering this trade? If salary scale is something that is important to you, you should make a list of the top 10 high salary jobs, and then work to get yourself into one of those jobs.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post, but I wished people think more deeply about the questions that they want to ask before asking.