The fascinating thing when one is going through a heartbreak (of some sort) is being able to recognize the various states of emotion one experiences. One moment, it can be extreme sadness, and then it changes into resentment, and then it changes to frustration with one self. This is something I would not have the ability to recognize when I was younger. I would just dwell into that very moment, whatever I was feeling strongly but failing to see that the state of emotion is never constant. It changes constantly. Just being acutely aware of such range of emotions one experiences, I think I would call it growth. It teaches me that things are never constant, and that includes our mood and emotions.
I’m not here to talk about things with Big Leaf. Because whatever I say, I recognize it’s just a reflection of the current state of emotion I’m experiencing. I realized the lessons I learnt from this episode was that everyone has their own lessons to figure out and learn. He has his own, and I have mine. No matter how close or tight that relationship or friendship is, there are lessons that are meant for you yourself. No one can hold our hands and walk that path. Some paths are meant to be walked alone. I told him so too.
I told him that for both of our best interests, I have to let him go. I dislike being enmeshed into messy situations, even though I am not the cause of his last breakup. Now he has spent more time with the ex and said they wanted to spend more time with each other and see what happens.
I am sure in the next couple of days, I’m still going to go through a tide of different emotions as I move on. I seldom block people on social media and I’m wondering if I should do so. If I do so, it is out of self love.
One of the more interesting things I’ve read and came across while seeking for some answers on the internet when it comes to dealing with heart break was to question and ask myself “Is it the same sort of love that existed when I first started dating?”
I’ll say it’s No, but I recognize the same pain and suffering exist. Attachment to the outcome causes the suffering. That didn’t change. But the way I love a person did change over the years. My first love was when I’m 18 or 19. That adolescent type of love is different in nature when one is 40. It’s less intense now, as compared to my first love. Is being less intense meant I love the person less?