The best looking bus driver

I can’t believe I’m writing about this, because it sounds just so lame, immature. Like a fan girl. But I think it’s still blog worthy for my own sake. Just so that when years passed, I can remember about this and probably try to recall if I can remember this incident.

I’ve taken many buses over the years.

Before my trip to Japan this year, I would say the best looking bus driver I’ve met was in Vancouver, BC. He drove the bus from Chinatown to Metrotown. He was tall, well built and dark skinned. He was also very patient with people who had special needs.

Then, I went to Japan, and I saw the best looking bus driver. He drove a feeder bus that shuttles from the train station to the suburbs. I think he’s mixed. He looked mostly asian, but he had very sharp, beautiful features. He also had a nice deep voice. I think he’s at most in his early 30s.

I kind of regret not taking a picture of him, but it would have been quite embarrassing to do so. The bus wasn’t crowded, and with everyone looking straight ahead, it’s going to be awkward if I took a picture of him. I hope my memory doesn’t fade. But I’m sure it will.

I didn’t know that seeing a good looking bus driver could make my trip that memorable. But it did. I can remember till now.

I took the same bus, trying to catch the same time each day as I go for classes, hoping to see him again. But no such luck. Never met him again.

And the funny thing was, I told Big Leaf that. He asked if I said hello to the bus driver. He encouraged me to say hello to him the next time?! But there isn’t a next time. But I’m glad I can share such silly stories with him. Being able to share even the lamest, silly stories feel good.

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Back from a Learning Trip

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My friend has always told me that the best investment I can make is in myself. And so if I could relate that to what it means in work context for me, it means investing in acquiring skills so that I could potentially become better at what I do.

I just got back from a work learning trip a few days ago. It was totally unplanned, and never did I thought I would make a learning work trip this year. But sometime Feb or March, when I was feeling a little down, I chanced upon a teacher’s work that I admire so much. I sent an email to enquire about the possibility to learn from her and she said yes. So when all the stars are aligned that way, I felt that I should make a trip.

I am glad I went ahead with this challenge. This was a challenge to me in many ways. First, I was going to Japan, where I don’t speak the language. The teacher couldn’t speak English, so I figured I would mostly be observing her intently to learn. For questions, I would use the translation app to translate what I needed to ask. I also had to figure out how to get to the teacher’s place, which wasn’t too easy to get to. After a train ride, I had to take a short bus ride. I didn’t know how the buses worked there, so I was nervous about how to get there essentially. But my friend told me to do a trial run the day before, so I was intending to do that. Next, I also decided to rent an airbnb place near my teacher’s place so that I don’t have to worry about traveling time and all. That was a great move. Traveling time was cut down tremendously.

With all those obstacles I’ve listed, you can imagined I felt like I have climbed Mount Everest for this year. My biggest goal for 2017 has been accomplished. I did something that I never thought I could possibly do.

 

Feeling better

I told myself the other day, that I would only allow myself to be sad for one day. And the next day, I’m feeling much better. Everyday, I’m feeling better.

I’ve been watching Coach Corey Wayne’s youtube videos and it has been helpful in putting things in perspective. If anyone needs some real advice about relationships, he’s real. I like his no bullshit approach.

“The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.”

I like that!

I blocked Big Leaf on social media on Saturday. I decided that I didn’t want to engage him in any conversation anymore. I’m not sure when I’ll unblock him. The only thing I can control is how I am presenting myself in this situation. Nothing more.

Living my life as usual…working. Although I must admit I still have fear going out to socialize.

Recognizing states of emotions

The fascinating thing when one is going through a heartbreak (of some sort) is being able to recognize the various states of emotion one experiences. One moment, it can be extreme sadness, and then it changes into resentment, and then it changes to frustration with one self. This is something I would not have the ability to recognize when I was younger. I would just dwell into that very moment, whatever I was feeling strongly but failing to see that the state of emotion is never constant. It changes constantly. Just being acutely aware of such range of emotions one experiences, I think I would call it growth. It teaches me that things are never constant, and that includes our mood and emotions.

I’m not here to talk about things with Big Leaf. Because whatever I say, I recognize it’s just a reflection of the current state of emotion I’m experiencing. I realized the lessons I learnt from this episode was that everyone has their own lessons to figure out and learn. He has his own, and I have mine. No matter how close or tight that relationship or friendship is, there are lessons that are meant for you yourself. No one can hold our hands and walk that path. Some paths are meant to be walked alone. I told him so too.

I told him that for both of our best interests, I have to let him go. I dislike being enmeshed into messy situations, even though I am not the cause of his last breakup. Now he has spent more time with the ex and said they wanted to spend more time with each other and see what happens.

I am sure in the next couple of days, I’m still going to go through a tide of different emotions as I move on. I seldom block people on social media and I’m wondering if I should do so. If I do so, it is out of self love.

One of the more interesting things I’ve read and came across while seeking for some answers on the internet when it comes to dealing with heart break was to question and ask myself “Is it the same sort of love that existed when I first started dating?”

I’ll say it’s No, but I recognize the same pain and suffering exist. Attachment to the outcome causes the suffering. That didn’t change. But the way I love a person did change over the years. My first love was when I’m 18 or 19. That adolescent type of love is different in nature when one is 40. It’s less intense now, as compared to my first love. Is being less intense meant I love the person less?

 

Bad Dream

I seldom have bad dreams, and so when I have one, I seem to be able to remember the emotions associated with the dream clearly. Images from the dream are also captured in my mind.

I don’t know if the dream was a coincidence. But yes I was thinking about this friendship recently, and how I have always been the one who put in the effort to contact her every year. She has never been the one to initiate all these years. Last year was the only year I stopped initiating. Maybe some friendships are not meant to last.

So in my dream, I dreamt of this friendship. I was acutely aware in my dreams how this friendship has changed in nature. It is no longer the same. Well, it reflected what I was thinking in reality. But it was still rather disturbing when I woke up, because I have never dreamt of this person before.

And then, maybe just 1-2 days later, Big Leaf told me his ex contacted him, and a lot of old feelings stirred up. He was sick, and it was not a good time to deal with these emotions. I asked if his ex wanted a reconciliation. He said she contacted him because of some mails that were delivered to her place. It was the first time they spoken in many months. He wants to talk to her more and see what happens. There are many unresolved issues left behind. Maybe he could at least get some closure.

I don’t know if I can truly believe that is the case. Maybe what happens could also be they speak again and those “old feelings” were so strong and both decide to give it another try. Back and forth relationships are not uncommon, because both parties are drawn in with the familiarity.

In any case, it was not something I can control or worry right? What is meant to be will be. 🙂

I was upset for a few days, but I was able to recall some of my older learnings and my mood turned for the better right away. I need to continue to lead a fulfilling life.

A blunder

I made a blunder yesterday, but the important thing was, I was able to laugh at myself.

I had a date with someone new in town. I knew of a cafe that would be relatively quiet even on the weekend and suggested to the guy that we meet there. I am however bad with building names and gave him the wrong building name. It was 2 blocks away. When the guy text and told me he arrived and was in a blue shirt, I approached the wrong guy (obviously) and asked if he was J. He said, no sorry. I was actually relieved in a strange way. I called J to find out where he was, and realized he was at another building. I apologized and said I will walk over.

While walking over, I replayed the scenario and had the ability to laugh at myself silently. I thought it was funny.

The date itself was all right. We had a nice conversation, and he didn’t seem to have any jarring red flags right away that I wouldn’t talk to him again. At this stage, I’m really just taking it easy and considering this as a social event more than anything. I’m just glad to be able to talk to someone new without feeling anxiety.

Re-appearance of John

It’s funny how I talked about nothing seem to be really happening in my life lately. Just when I’m mentally tied up with preparations for my upcoming big trip, John called me out of the blue 2 days ago. This is after he disappeared without a word 2 years ago. I thought he may have dialed wrongly.

He said hi and asked if I remembered him from 2 years ago. He said he had always remembered our conversations and had always wanted to call to find out how I was but felt like he didn’t want to disturb me. He said he had some major changes in his life (some work changes, moving to a new apartment, and selling off his car). He asked if he can invite me out for coffee.

I agreed since I was going to be out to run some errands in that area, plus I felt maybe I could get some answers or closure to whatever happened back then.

He didn’t change in appearance when we met. But of course, I’ve changed. My hair has grown longer. I STILL wore my jeans because I have nothing to proof. We went into Chilis for coffee. After we ordered drinks, he gave an update about this life.

He talked about how the “move” to his new place was part of the cleansing for him. And how his new work initiated the new transformation. He had to let go of things and can’t control outcomes like what he used to because it didn’t work. I just listened intently, as usual. I’ve learnt to just listen. Words are what the person desires to be, but actions define them, so I prefer to look at actions and ignore what they say.

He spoke about his aggressiveness in the past and how that hurt his relationships. He talked about how he has soften his approach, and that he has become kinder and more compassionate. Again, things that…I probably don’t have the chance to see or witness if that is true.

Time changes everything. As we sat opposite each other, things, situations and feelings have changed. I’m no longer intimidated by his presence. Could it be because I know my self worth and have more confidence? He could be so much older than me, but it doesn’t mean he is always right. At certain times, I felt my shoulders stiffened, but when I am consciously aware that my shoulders are tensed, I quickly relaxed them and that in turn helped me to relax.

He also said that the book “The Power of Now” came at the right time in his life. He meditates to phrases in the book, but I didn’t ask how he meditated.

He asked some questions about me, but not much. I can’t help but interpret it as a lack of genuine interest and curiosity about me as a person. And I’m someone who doesn’t offer stories or information unless I’m being asked (especially in a dating context), because I don’t know if the person even wants to hear my stories or not. The best question that he asked me was “What makes you happy”. That was the only most thoughtful question.

He said he no longer uses online dating because it became a mindless activity whereby you just keep searching for new people and going on dates with no longevity in sight.

I am not sure how I phrased the question but I asked why did he contact me. Besides the fact that he remembered that he used to enjoy our conversations, he said he currently has a lull period where he has more free time. Thanks for telling me that – but I couldn’t help but think that he would pull another disappearing act once things start to get busy!

He invited me to go over to this new apartment to see his new place. I was hesitant, because I knew what to expect…but I was curious about the view and did not have any intention to sleep with him.

We talked standing at the window ledge. The view was beautiful in a way, but there was some major renovation works downstairs, so the drilling was distracting. But perhaps that distraction was good. I asked him what happened the last time we met? Why did we stop talking. (I wanted to hear his point of view)

He paused and took some time to think. He said that he thinks it was because he was focused on his deals after that and it just took his time and energy away. I didn’t believe it, but accepted his answer anyway. It doesn’t mean I buy into it, but I learnt to accept answers, whatever people say. Though, my memory was probably better than his. But I didn’t have to break or burst his bubble…why should I? He never apologized for disappearing.

He asked for a hug, I said a hug is fine. The vibe that I got from that hug was, this man was trying so hard to find a re-connection, to bring back old feelings. But things have certainly changed.

He also asked an odd question. He asked if we have kissed before. I said yes. He doesn’t recall. I told him I’m not offended. (Because I don’t give a damn). It also said a lot. I was insignificant. When he tried to advance our intimacy, I said no. He asked why. I told him that “You can’t just breeze in and out of someone’s life and expect things to be the same”.

He seemed a little offended by that – from the tone of his voice. I said the same thing 2 times and he seemed a little offended. But I didn’t care, that was the truth.

It was certainly a one sided thing. He “felt” something, but I don’t. I didn’t respond to what he said about he feeling the reconnection. I think he knew I was not feeling the same.

I walked away from this experience with my clothes, confidence, dignity in tact.  I learnt to say no to sexual advances. I am thankful that he is gentleman enough to not force upon me. That, I’m grateful for.

I also walked away from this meeting knowing that we were both on different spiritual planes. Actually we had always been. But I was just in such a poor state of mind back then to recognize signs.

Updates

I’ve been missing for a long time. So much has happened, and yet it seems nothing has really changed, or “progressed”. Isn’t it strange?

But here’s a update of what has happened.

-The guy who has been smiling at me while we jogged past each other for 2 -3 years finally had the courage to talk to me. Sometimes, some things are best to leave it as it is, because the good impression bubble bursts once conversation starts. I wrote about how it started here. I’ll write more in depth, as it is blog worthy.

-I found out that my ex has gotten married recently. I found that out when I was on facebook. On and off he kept in contact with me, but he never mentioned that he was married to me. This is also blog worthy, so I may dedicate a post to him.

-I’m going to visit friends in Seattle and Vancouver next month. Sean and I will meet, after 10 years. I’m excited, grateful for this opportunity to meet him after so long. Such a rare thing in this time and age.

I’ve got nothing to prove to anyone

“You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” ~ Maya Angelou

This is my favorite phrase lately…So grounding, yet so impactful once you really digested it. The only other person that I hear it from lately is Sean. And when I heard that, I felt that we were on the same spiritual plane.

Does this relevation of “I’ve got nothing to prove to anyone” only happens when an individual has enough suffering that finally brings an awakening? Because, only a truly awakened being would be able to feel that sentence deeply enough to finally understand that each walks their own path.

As I grow wiser and has time to reflect on life, I feel more relaxed being myself.

Lately I met with a supplier and with strangers, I always hide my real occupation as I did not want to answer stupid questions. This was the first time that I did not hide my real occupation. I also did not hide the fact that I worked from home. But I wished people asked more “why” questions. Because it is the “why” questions that would allow the person to tell you their stories deep within.

I hate questions like, “Are you a full timer or part timer”?

When you think deeper into this question, what are you really trying to ask? If the person is competent and executes a high level of proficiency in that particular trade, does it matter if she was a full timer or part timer? So, what are you really trying to ask here?

I hate questions like “How much money can you make from doing this?”

So, what are you really trying to ask here? Are you trying to determine if the pay is high enough for your standards before considering this trade? If salary scale is something that is important to you, you should make a list of the top 10 high salary jobs, and then work to get yourself into one of those jobs.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post, but I wished people think more deeply about the questions that they want to ask before asking.

 

Reappearance of the Damaged Guy

It’s been a while…

I’ve just been living and going on my life as usual. I don’t intend to write until I have something significant that is worth to write it down for remembrance.

I realized I was never comfortable with people ghosting and then re-appearing into my life. This most probably only applies to romantic relationships. I came to this realization because I do have friends whom I don’t regularly keep contact with, but when they do contact me, nothing changes and we could catch up easily. But the same cannot be applied for romantic relationships or guys who were showing an interest in me at the early stage. I am wondering why?

The damaged guy reached out to me after disappearing for 2 months. The last communication 2 months ago was just lacked of substance. It was some holidays and he wished me happy holidays. And then he just replied back with “I’m back from visiting the family in xxxx”. Which, really isn’t a question, and it was just boring to continue the conversation. So I didn’t bother reply.

2 months went by and he started asking “how are you doing”. I replied “Good, yourself?”

And this is what he sent. His text in white and mine in green.

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When he asked for coffee, I was thinking of what to reply him. I wasn’t interested. Ignoring would be what I have done in the past, but it really doesn’t addresses the issue of our communication issue.

I didn’t want to repeat the pattern like what I used to do, either ignoring or avoiding the issue. I don’t think I would ever learn in those situations.

So this time round, I decided to be honest.

And the reply was really, precisely my point.

After that, he blocked and deleted me.

One could have chosen their respond more carefully than to treat everything like it is a laughing matter I think. This was not the only time similar issue has came up. I’m tired of communicating with people who don’t seem to make a better attempt at being a better communicator.

I’m actually proud of myself that I expressed myself in this situation.